Another day dawns before me, another day that I find myself, once again, spurned with contempt. I guess the shadow of elrod continues to loom over me. I say it doesn't matter, but it does matter. I feel as though I'm being pigeonholed over here away from everyone/thing just to get me out of the way, even though I don't exactly know what I'm being moved out of the way for. I wish I could just find a job teaching somewhere, or working in a college library, pay my bonus back and then just be done with the Navy. What else is there for me to do? I'm really fed up with the Navy--have been for a long time. I'm staying in just for the allure of the retirement check. If I get out, I won't have that retirement check, and I'll have to spend the rest of my life working to be able to retire. Where does that leave me? Sitting in the Navy for another 10 years so I can draw retirement? What if I don't make LCDR, then what? I guess I'm screwed. The Navy will give me severance pay, but it won't be enough to make up for the fact that I'm not drawing a retirement check.

So on we worked and waited for the light
and went without the meat and cursed the bread
and Richard Cory one calm summer night
went home and put a bullet through his head.

That's how I feel sometimes--although I couldn't put a bullet through my head--I just keep trudging on. and on. and on.

I seem to have woken up in a very bad mood today. I think it might have something to do with not getting enough sleep, but I don't think that is the full answer behind it. I feel down on myself today--somewhat blue and depressed. I feel as though I'm still living in the shadow of elrod. I don't think I did a terrible job there, I think I did a damn good job, considering. However, some other people didn't see it that way--and I fear it is that which is going to be a shadow over everything I do for the rest of my Naval career.

I need to write an article of sorts about the revolution in training, and how it seems to be more of a devolution in training. Considering the things that are going on. The learning centers don't seem to have a clue about what exactly it is they are supposed to do, but they sure want to take care of all the big ticket items themselves and only let the TSC do the menial dirty work that they don't want to take the time with, even though they are not staffed for it. Of course, then they want their TFMMS packages changed to match that new manning, meaning that the only place the manning could come from would be the TSC's--and then the TSC's wouldn't have the bodies to do the job either. It's a self-licking ice cream cone, and there doesn't seem to be anyone who wants to do anything about it. The Admiral does put out the information to the CO's on what he wants done, it just seems that the CO's blow him off on it and don't want to do it.

Anway, this has turned into a bitch session, so I'll quit.

Another poem for today that I like:

When the inward and the outward are illumined, and all is clear, you are one with the light of the sun and moon. When developed to its ultimate state, this is a round luminosity which nothing can deceive, the subtle body of a unified spirit, pervading the whole universe. Then you have the same function as the sun and moon.

- Liu I-Ming

It seems that as the days pass, I am more and more torn between what it is I should do in this world. I am very interested in politics and such--the workings of the interrelations of the world, but at the same time, I would also like to live a pastoral life, one of peace in the woods on a farm. I don't know exactly what I would like to do, or what I will do, I just know that right now I am torn about it all. Maybe Zen is on to something with the clear mind, etc. My only problem is that I like learning and writing, so it makes it difficult to know exactly what it is I should do. Maybe one day I'll decide what it is I want to do and be when I grow up. Who knows?!

Not too much is going on today. I worked on Greg's time sheet for work, and was going to work on his database, but I'm not going to do that right now out of fear that Kevin and Joe would just toss it out and redo it anyway. Someone needs to have a long talk with those boys.

I'm trying to find some web developing tools to work on Ron's website. I am trying to decide exactly how/what I want to do, but I can assure you that it isn't very easy at all! Not only do I have to design something for him, I have to modify whatever I do to appease whatever he wants. Which makes sense, it will be HIS webpage, anyway.

I'm really looking forward to when I can finally retire and get out of the Navy. Ten more years to go...seems almost like a lifetime!

Well, I would write more, but I'm just not thinking clearly right now. I'll go back to work.

This is an awesome poem, I love it! Makes sense, and helps sum up life and some of the bewilderment that comes with it.

"Snow besieges my plank door
I crowd the stove at night.
Although this form exists
It seems as if it doesn’t.
I have no idea where the
Months have gone
Every time I turn around
Another year on earth is over.

- Han-shan Te-ch’ing (1546-1623)"