Another day dawns before me, another day that I find myself, once again, spurned with contempt. I guess the shadow of elrod continues to loom over me. I say it doesn't matter, but it does matter. I feel as though I'm being pigeonholed over here away from everyone/thing just to get me out of the way, even though I don't exactly know what I'm being moved out of the way for. I wish I could just find a job teaching somewhere, or working in a college library, pay my bonus back and then just be done with the Navy. What else is there for me to do? I'm really fed up with the Navy--have been for a long time. I'm staying in just for the allure of the retirement check. If I get out, I won't have that retirement check, and I'll have to spend the rest of my life working to be able to retire. Where does that leave me? Sitting in the Navy for another 10 years so I can draw retirement? What if I don't make LCDR, then what? I guess I'm screwed. The Navy will give me severance pay, but it won't be enough to make up for the fact that I'm not drawing a retirement check.

So on we worked and waited for the light
and went without the meat and cursed the bread
and Richard Cory one calm summer night
went home and put a bullet through his head.

That's how I feel sometimes--although I couldn't put a bullet through my head--I just keep trudging on. and on. and on.